This week, I accomplished something impressive: 5 days at Universal in a row. This was a common thing last summer, but this summer, it is quite a task to get through. Why? Well, I shall map it out with an equation if you’ll continue below:

Universal pays nothing, THEREFORE people are starting to quit, THEREFORE they are short tour guides, THEREFORE those of us who are still there have to work 8 hour shifts instead of 7, THEREFORE we have to do 4 tours a day instead of 3, THEREFORE I am really tired of doing tours. And because I am tired of doing tours, here’s what I’m now hearing:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! (rumble rumble shake) AAAA!!! EEEEE!!!!

I’m in the break room under the Mummy rollercoaster, doing something called ESATS, which is an employee survey. I’m helping people fill out the surveys. Or rather, I’m not, because no one is taking them here. It’s just been me in here for 3 hours now, surfing the net and hearing the room rattle and people yell from the coaster. From the sad, sad looks of the occassional Mummy worker who shows up in this breakroom, I sure do appreciate not having to do anything else at this theme park. Though it’d be fun to be Zorro. I think I’d make a pretty great Zorro.

This should indicate my boredom, drawing a Zorro mask on myself using Paint. I also spent a chunk of today trying to “Simpsonize” a picture of Osama bin Laden. But I couldn’t find a turban for him. I’m not kidding.

So I will return to touring soon, reinvigorated. Me and a friend of mine perhaps.

This is Conrad. He’s a new employee. He’s done two tours so far, and regaled the audience with many great jokes said in a slow, stern tone. Examples?

After Earthquake: “Well, I’m not K.C., and I certainly don’t have a sunshine band, but that was one event that certainly shook, shook, shook all of our booties”
During a clip where Paul Giamatti tumbles down a hill: “The actor’s name is Paul Giamatti, but they ought to call him Paul Tumbles-A-Lotti!”
As the bubbles rise while Jaws eats George the diver: “Look at that, it’s the jacuzzi of terror!”

That last joke is something one of the established tour guides actually says. Let me tell you, the tour guides with over 5 years experience on their hands are a HILARIOUS bunch. In fact, a driver told me the other day about one guide who tells the following joke at “Jaws”:
(yelling at George) “Get out of there, yah hamburg-ahhh!”

Now, reader, I can’t see you through the internet screen, but I can tell that you are laughing heartily, clearly understanding that quote to be a reference to Uncle Arthur on “Bewitched”. I am sure that if you came and took that particular guide’s tour, you would join the 174 people aboard in uproarious applause and unstoppable streams of laughter. In fact, I hear that his tours just shut down as he says that, and everyone gets off the tram to carry the tour guide on their shoulders all around the lot, parading him around, lifting him aloft and declaring him their new king.